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“Ex” man-gel, “ex” angel
By admin | July 21, 2010
When you go through a divorce there isn’t just one “ex”, meaning “ex” husband, there are many. Technically there are “ex” father and mother, sister, and brother-in-laws at the very least. (By the way, is there a proper term for “ex” in laws?) This post is to honor my “ex” brother-in-law, but it feels awkward to label him with that term.
In the world of “exes” there are often quite messy relationship dynamics that are only exacerbated by the sheer numbers of “ex” in-laws. Thankfully, this has not been the case for me. My “ex” brother in-law has been instrumental in helping put a team together for my latest business adventure. His actions certainly constitute ladling him a man-gel, and here’s why:
“Ex-bro” began commenting on his wishes that his nieces and nephews do what they loved in life. Going for a career for prestige or money wouldn’t bring them happiness. Hearing that from him did my heart good because his statements aligned with my hopes and values. I nodded in agreement with his statements, adding that I was in the midst of some new projects myself. “Ex-bro” listened intently. Without space for a breath, as soon as I finished speaking, he interjected, “I can help you with that. E-mail me Monday and I will get you connected.”
There has never been any big negative drama between me and my “ex” in-laws. Having said that, there is a huge difference between being civil, and knowing they intend the best for you. “Ex-bro” made my day by going above and beyond usual and customary “ex-bro” duties. He also gave my kids another positive anchor in living through the aftermath of divorce. “Exes” of all sorts can collaborate. It’s good for the collaborators and it’s good for all the other people in their circle of influence-including sons and daughters, nieces and nephews.
Today, my mission is to send a big Thank You to my “ex-bro”, because though the term may be technically accurate, I still consider him a man-gel brother-in-law in good standing.
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July 22nd, 2010 at 9:32 am
I once had this same question myself. When my sister and her (much loved by the whole family) husband divorced.
I checked it out.
According to the IRS. an “in-law” is your in-law…legally…for the rest of life, regardless of divorce, or death, or whether or not there were children.
So I would think that whether or not relationships continue outside of the ended marriage, entirely depends upon the people involved.
Such as it was, with my sister, he was/is a good man. They simply could not live together (no..he could..she couldn’t) without making each other crazy and heart broken. He lived in the same town for over 20 years until he finally remarried (maybe 6 or 8 years ago?) and eventually moved to another state. That was the only thing that broke the relationships we had with him.
My sister continues to communicate with him, and his wife, (they have an adult son) even now, although the move has caused that to be less and less..I guess you could say they have moved on to a different part of their lives, that does not include each other..unless necessary because of their son. We (as a family) are fortunate that they are and continue to be friends).
He is and will continue to always be my b-i-l.
You are so right in your comments, and I join you in sending a BIG “thank you” to my ‘never will be an “ex” b-i-l’ in my heart. He saw us through many trials and we also saw him through many trials.